120 days

I realized today that it’s been 120 days since you left us, slipped away from the pain, to be free. Can’t say as I really know how I feel, can’t adequately describe my feelings, it’s all still so raw, so unimaginable. It catches me at times, takes my breath away and it takes all I have to keep the tears that well up from falling, I take a deep breath and try to smile, try to remember your face, your voice.

It's been awhile. I find it hard to have the energy to write these past few months. I have tons of thoughts, my mind races at night sometimes, and as with the past year, at times I am visited by the most vivid memories that you and I shared together, almost like the emotion and energy of all of this has awakened some part of our collective memory. And then I think, I should write that down, blog about it; but those memories, both great and horrible, from your fight are just between you and I, and I cannot share, do not want to share them; the really bad times that you had are mine to manage alone.

It’s not all bad; as hard as it is, we all move on. At times I feel guilty about it. It’s not fair that you’re not with us. There's a sadness that you’re not physically with us, but you’d want us to keep moving.

It’ll never be right. We move on because we are human and our will to live pushes us on, and really, who wants to be stuck, trapped by the pain? But it’ll never be right. It’s been the hardest lesson I could ever learn.

It’s taken me a long time to update the blog. Not being able to send a hopeful, “we will fight to the end” type of update is further acknowledgment that it’s real, that you died from lung cancer. Typing that leaves me sobbing.

So what have we been up to? With the exception of the quick one line update about the CM episode, it’s been 3+ months. First off, again a giant THANK YOU to all those who have reached out to us in so many ways. To everyone who has made donations to Jen and Nicholas, to Nicholas’ college fund, reached out to check in with and on us. I shouldn’t be amazed anymore by the outpouring but I continue to be humbled. Thank you.

Jen, Nicholas, Mom and Dad, Ann, Maggie and I headed to Florida in late February, a trip we had initially planned last Fall with you. That was tough, we all had our moments, and the stress of the fight, of the release tired us all. I remember realizing at the end of our day at Disney World that I had cried and seen everyone else in the family cry that day. It was good for the family, for the kids, for all of us to get away. Tough to come home to reality.

The Red Sox honored your fight, opening weekend at Fenway. Mark coordinated with the Sox ownership to have a message placed on the new screens during the fifth, we sat in the Monster seats, Larry Lucchino, a Sox owner and fellow (two-time, NHL & Prostate) cancer patient came up and stood with us when the message was displayed. So hard to see it, further acknowledgment, hard to see Dad tearing up. For the record, the Sox beat the Yankees that night.

The Framingham Boy Scout Troop 12 held their annual pancake breakfast, and dedicated it in memory to you. Jen, Nicholas, Mom and Dad and I attended, and met up with some of the guys from our days. It was good to catch up, to see old pictures of you when we were all young, hiking and camping.

Jamie ran the Boston Marathon in April in memory of you. Eric and I met her at mile 13; Mom, Jen and Nicholas met her at the finish and she gave her jersey to Nicholas. It was amazing to see her running, she raised over $12,000 for Dana Farber. A very emotional day as well.

The season finale of Criminal Minds honored you by having a character (“Andi Swan”) named after you. It was a nice touch.

Dawn, David, and Jenna came out to visit in early May… which happened to coincide with Jen getting her citizenship. Dorian flew in as well to surprise her; another great day, Dad draped your American flag over her shoulders at the end, he and Mom were so proud of her. We celebrated after with Jamie and Erin and the kids. You would’ve been proud of Jen, I know I am, she is such a rock and is doing a great job taking care of Nicholas.

I got married a few weeks ago. A tremendous day, lots of fun, so much emotion – I wish you had been there physically, I remember asking you to be my best man in January, the large smile you gave me when we talked about it, the two of us alone in that hospital room, naïve to how sick you were, never suspecting that this was it. I know you were there with me, your love surrounded us. Nicholas looked incredible in his little suit, dancing the night away with Maggie in her pink dress. Dorian stood in as the best man, looked great in a matching suit, both of us just trying to keep it together. Chrissy stood as Ann’s Matron of Honor. You were everywhere there with us. Jen read in the ceremony; you would’ve been proud of all of us, especially Nicholas and Maggie, dancing away. Friends and family came in from all over to celebrate with us.

We were up at the lake a few weekends ago, helping Mom and Dad open it up for rentals. First time since last Fall with you. Also hard for me emotionally, I had to run to clear my head a few times, that air does wonders. We had fun of course, but as it will always be, there was a muted sadness, a remembrance that you were missing.

We are moving on, life keeps rolling, and we’re doing things in memory of and in honor of you.

I've tried to keep myself busy, physically active while preparing for the Swim Across America 2011 Boston Harbor Islands Swim. When I get tired, when my shoulder aches, I call out to you, I remember how hard you fought, giving us that extra time with you, fighting to beat it back. I think about the care you received at Dana Farber, about seeing you waiting for me at the end of the swim last year, about being interviewed by Fox, talking to the guys from the D&C show on WEEI for the Jimmy Fund Radio Telethon at Fenway last August. Five more weeks until the swim, this year will be very different for me, without you there. I am actively seeking donations now, if you would like to sponsor me in memory of Andy.

Did I mention that we have a Team for you know? Team Andy is taking on the Marine Corps Marathon in October; Jen and Ann signed us up. Jeff Brocket and Sara (Swan) Rossini are running; Ann, Jen, Jim Rossini, Sara (Evans) Brockett and I are walking it. We've pledged to raise $5000 as a team to sponsor the advocacy and patient services that Lung Cancer Alliance provides; the links highlighted above can be used to donate to this cause. I'll be posting more about this as the summer progresses.

Yesterday I sat on a team call for the marathon during lunch. Once again, I was reminded that this is a viscous disease that doesn't care if you are a smoker or not, that it strikes all walks of life, all ages, and is indiscriminate. Everyone has a story, we all do now, each one of us reading this has your story to tell, to call attention lung cancer, to remember you for all you were and brought us.

I love you Andy. I miss you.