Hi all,
Once again, its been awhile. The 2 year anniversary (the word 'anniversary' just doesn't seem right) of Andy's death was in early February. As its been another year, it wasn't as if we forgot it, but more like we worked through it. I find that I miss him most for the big events (holiday, births, Opening Day) and am still amazed how that aching feeling sneaks up during the mundane day to day activities.
All in all everyone is good, we continue to live, to have fun and grow, and to remember Andy in various ways.
A few weeks ago, we had a blizzard here in Massachusetts. (And then a few days later, more snow, and the a few days after that, another foot... you get the idea about NE winters). sWe were lucky in that we had power throughout the storm, so we hunkered down inside for 24 hours or so while 3-4 feet of snow built up outside.
At the end of the blizzard, I was struck by a few things that I saw. There's always beauty after the storm. For me, I got to see my 7 year old stepdaughter showing my 1 year old son the snow - which was well over his head out the door, on the porch. It was awesome to see her holding him, showing him the snow, and the wonder on his face, the happiness on hers.
After a few days of shoveling, on Sunday evening, we had a beautiful sunset, with all the glory of a cold fresh NE day lighting up the woods and hills of snow around us. At the end of every storm the sun comes back. It's true of recovering from a death as well, everyone recovers in their own time and manner.
And then in mid March we welcomed a little girl, Lorelei Marie, into our family. We're thrilled, and it is awesome to see Nicholas, Maggie and Ian light up to have another little sister/ cousin in the family.
Of course, these are the times that I miss Andy most. He'd had loved being an uncle.
Our family friend, an older sister for Andy and I growing up, is running the 2013 Boston Marathon in Andy's memory, and in honor of our Dad who's on his 4th bout with prostate cancer. This is the second time she's run for the Dana Farber Cancer Institute (DFCI) team, the first being April of 2011 shortly after Andy's passing. In 2011 she raised $12000, and in 2013 her goal is to raise $18000 for a total of $30000 over the two runs. Details about her fundraising can be found on her personal donation page here: www.rundfmc.org/2013/jamiet. We'll match the next $300 in donations made today to Jamie's run.
If you live in the Boston area, Jamie has organized a really cool fundraiser today in Framingham. She's hosting an auction and autograph session at CJ's Northside Grill, 911 Edgell Road in Framingham, from 300 - 500 PM. Steve Grogan, former NE Patriots quarterback will be on hand to sign memorabilia for $15 an autograph, with all proceeds going to DFCI. There will be free ice cream for kids, a live auction for Celtics tickets, Red Sox tickets, autographed sports memorabilia, and a 50/50 raffle. A portion of the proceeds of food purchases during this time will also benefit DFCI. As today is Saturday, there's also a classic car show going on today.
So! Please visit her site, and donate, and I'll match the next $300, and if you're around Framingham come on down and we'll see you at CJ's Northside Grill. It's a beautiful day for just this type of family event.
Hope all are well -
Tim
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
37th Birthday
Hi all,
It's election night in America, a pretty exciting time. Best guess is that as I type this most of you are tuned into the ongoing coverage - I can hear it in the background downstairs, and I'll head down in a bit to watch as well.
I always get excited to vote. It's incredible that we have this right - millions around the world don't - and I love seeing everyone participate. Today when I walked in to the polling station I was met by an older volunteer from the League of Women Voters, offering to tell me what district I was in and where in the gymnasium that voting station was setup. A high school girl aligned me in the right line for our street, and then another retired volunteer checked me. It really does make me proud to be an American and to have the right to participate in our electoral process, no matter the outcome.
All that excitement aside, today I didn't think much about the election. Tomorrow is Andy's birthday - he'd be 37. It's hard to imagine him still not here with us. So today I thought about Andy, and tomorrow I am sure I will as well, more than usual.
I tell you what I would want - "4 more years", even 4 more months, good months with Andy. Time for my son, step daughter to know their uncle. Time for Nicholas to have with his father, to see Andy with his son. Time for my parents to have with their son, time for Jen to have with her husband. Time for all of us to have fun with Andy.
But I can't have them, so I have the memories and feelings that pop up, creep back in every once in a while. For me, one of those memories was this morning. Ann mentioned that she had taken Maggie to the polls in the past as we walked by parents with their children with them. Later in the day I remembered Andy and I with my mom at a polling station in Framingham, years ago. Mom is not the of the "tall" stature; while we were walking into the booth, a volunteer came racing over, demanding to know what we were doing... She thought we were three kids - sans parents - trying to vote, and that made Andy and I laugh.
A lot has happened recently to honor his memory. Jeff and Sarah Brockett ran the Marine Corps Marathon in DC a few weekends ago, joining a team from the Lung Cancer Alliance to raise funds and awareness for this disease. Its what we did last year as Team Andy - this year, through injuries and attrition, and scheduling issues, only Jeff and Sarah could participate, and they made us proud. If you'd like to contribute to their efforts, you still can by going to Sarah's website.
November is Lung Cancer Awareness month. LCA is hosting an event a week from tonight, Tuesday 13th November, in the Prudential Center to call attention to this disease. I'll be participating as part of the NE chapter of LCA. Heather Unruh of WCVB is hosting, and the Pats' TE Rob Gronkowski will be a guest of honor as well. The informational fair starts at 630 and the vigil starts at 730. I'd love to see any and all old friends of Andy's come by if you can.
More information can be found here: Shine a Light Boston Vigil. And if you're not in the Boston area - there are 90 vigils planned nationally this year, you might have one near you; check out the LCA Shine a Light listing.
So tomorrow, while we're all recovering from this election, have a beer or toast to Andy and wish him a happy birthday.
Happy Birthday Andy, I love you and miss you.
Take care all.
Tim
It's election night in America, a pretty exciting time. Best guess is that as I type this most of you are tuned into the ongoing coverage - I can hear it in the background downstairs, and I'll head down in a bit to watch as well.
I always get excited to vote. It's incredible that we have this right - millions around the world don't - and I love seeing everyone participate. Today when I walked in to the polling station I was met by an older volunteer from the League of Women Voters, offering to tell me what district I was in and where in the gymnasium that voting station was setup. A high school girl aligned me in the right line for our street, and then another retired volunteer checked me. It really does make me proud to be an American and to have the right to participate in our electoral process, no matter the outcome.
All that excitement aside, today I didn't think much about the election. Tomorrow is Andy's birthday - he'd be 37. It's hard to imagine him still not here with us. So today I thought about Andy, and tomorrow I am sure I will as well, more than usual.
I tell you what I would want - "4 more years", even 4 more months, good months with Andy. Time for my son, step daughter to know their uncle. Time for Nicholas to have with his father, to see Andy with his son. Time for my parents to have with their son, time for Jen to have with her husband. Time for all of us to have fun with Andy.
But I can't have them, so I have the memories and feelings that pop up, creep back in every once in a while. For me, one of those memories was this morning. Ann mentioned that she had taken Maggie to the polls in the past as we walked by parents with their children with them. Later in the day I remembered Andy and I with my mom at a polling station in Framingham, years ago. Mom is not the of the "tall" stature; while we were walking into the booth, a volunteer came racing over, demanding to know what we were doing... She thought we were three kids - sans parents - trying to vote, and that made Andy and I laugh.
A lot has happened recently to honor his memory. Jeff and Sarah Brockett ran the Marine Corps Marathon in DC a few weekends ago, joining a team from the Lung Cancer Alliance to raise funds and awareness for this disease. Its what we did last year as Team Andy - this year, through injuries and attrition, and scheduling issues, only Jeff and Sarah could participate, and they made us proud. If you'd like to contribute to their efforts, you still can by going to Sarah's website.
November is Lung Cancer Awareness month. LCA is hosting an event a week from tonight, Tuesday 13th November, in the Prudential Center to call attention to this disease. I'll be participating as part of the NE chapter of LCA. Heather Unruh of WCVB is hosting, and the Pats' TE Rob Gronkowski will be a guest of honor as well. The informational fair starts at 630 and the vigil starts at 730. I'd love to see any and all old friends of Andy's come by if you can.
More information can be found here: Shine a Light Boston Vigil. And if you're not in the Boston area - there are 90 vigils planned nationally this year, you might have one near you; check out the LCA Shine a Light listing.
So tomorrow, while we're all recovering from this election, have a beer or toast to Andy and wish him a happy birthday.
Happy Birthday Andy, I love you and miss you.
Take care all.
Tim
Friday, June 15, 2012
Advocating for Andy
Hi all,
Once again, it's been awhile. I'll be writing more in the coming weeks to catch you up on what we've been up to these past few months and some things lined up for the next few.
Its always hard for me to sit down an put my thoughts to paper. I think of Andy, the sudden change in all of our lives that cancer caused, often - randomly. And then when I go to write them down, their gone - fleeting, and i have a feeling of emotional deja vu - I've processed this feeling but can't adequately describe it, almost like driving out of a heavy fog into a sun.
In April, I attended LCA's National Advocacy conference in Washington DC. It was truly amazing, to take passion for ending such a horrible disease and applying it to our legislative process. It was also amazing to meet others who get it, understand that driving out of a heavy fog into a blazing sun. Who have been where I am, or have just started the journey with Lung Cancer, either as a survivor, a caregiver, a professional, a family member. All ages, all colors, all religions - truly representative of the diversity in America, and representative of how indiscriminate lung cancer is.
130+ advocates from as far west as Hawaii and far east as NH (representing Andy!) gathered on a Sunday evening for three energetic, frenetic days. On Monday we learned more about Lung Cancer, about the the Lung Cancer Alliance (LCA), dug into recent advances in Lung Cancer, got to know the Lung Cancer Mortality Reduction Act (LCMRA) and received legislative and press training for meeting with members on Congress. On Tuesday, after a restless night, I joined my fellow advocates as we took to the Hill for a series of planned meetings and drop-ins with members of Congress. The group broke into geographical units; I was with the New England chapter, which split into Northern and Southern, as we had so many meetings. Tuesday night we reconvened with the full group, and discussed our days. Wednesday saw us visiting the LCA offices and then we all headed home.
So why were we there? To advocate for the LCMRA, by telling our stories - stories about Andy, about loved ones, about ourselves from survivors. To meet with Congressmen & Congresswomen, House Representatives, and their members of staff. To garner attention for the LCMRA, to request their support.
The LCMRA, is a bicameral bill, introduced by Republicans and Democrats in both Houses; it calls on the Health and Human Services (HHS), Veterans Administration (VA) and Department of Defense (DoD) to coordinate on the development of a comprehensive plan to reduce the mortality by 50% by 2020.
Lung cancer kills more than the next 4 cancers combined. Did you know that when Andy got sick? I didn't have a clue. And very little is being done about it. Its been 40+ years since Congress declared War on Cancer - and the survival rate has risen from 13% to 15%. 2% after billions in research - because very very little of it went to lung cancer.
The LCMRA effectively calls for a three pronged approach - prevention, detection and treatment. The focus to date has been on prevention - think of all of those anti-smoking campaigns we grew up with, and your natural inclination is associate lung cancer with smoking. No doubt, smoking causes cancer. But not all lung cancer is from smoking - smoking doesn't define Lung Cancer.
To date, there's been a single approach to Lung Cancer. Stop smoking, stop the disease. This stigma is wrong. First question I get about Andy, almost every time, is did he smoke?
No. But the more I think about it, does it matter? 80% of Lung Cancer patients either never smoked, or followed the single prong - stop smoking - and got cancer anyway. And even if the patient did smoke, do they deserve to be forgotten?
Do we apply the same stigma to any other disease? No. Closest approximation I can make, and other have to, is to the stigma associated to AIDS patients in the early 80's. Jennifer Windrum, of WTF? Where's the Funding for Lung Cancer, wrote this blog on Lance Armstrong's LiveStrong blog describing the stigma: http://blog.livestrong.org/2011/11/15/monster-cookies-stigma-kool-aid-the-deadliest-combo-of-all/
The LCMRA calls for detection through a low dose CT scan for the high risk population; people over 55 who have smoked an average of a pack a day for 30 years. The dose of the scan is less than half that women receive from a mammogram, and the observational NCI trial was halted early, as those who received the CT scan (vs. X-rays) had a 20% lower rate of mortality. Said differently, detect it earlier, and the patient has a much higher chance at survival. More information about the screening can be found here: http://screenforlungcancer.org/
Beyond the holes it leaves in all of us when a patient dies, it has a huge financial impact. Both in ongoing treatment, after the disease is discovered, and then in the loss of the productivity that the patient gave us through their work, their contributions to society.
Speaking of costs, an NCI study published in 2009 assigned the value of life lost to lung cancer to be in excess of $433,000,000,000 a year (!) by 2020, but that just a 4% decline in lung cancer mortality would reduce that amount by more than half.
We're worried about health care costs in the US, rightly so, and here's a way of cutting costs. How much would this screening plan cost? About $0.75 per person across all members of covered under health insurance; current health plans allocate about $3.25 to cover mammograms, and $1.50 to cover PSA tests.
The third prong is the treatment. Strides are being made, scientific discoveries are being made. The pace is slow, because the funding is so low. Its one of the lowest funded cancers in the national budget. And that's where progress is made - with national funding. Increase the research funding, save lives. Not rocket science.
The LCMRA needs more advocacy. We're in the second year of the 113th Congress, which is about to break to go to home districts in mid Summer, and as this this is an election year, we don't expect the Congress to be very busy when the new fiscal year begins 1 October, through the elections.
So what can you do? Contact your Representative, and Senators. It's easy - there's a form online to do this: http://capwiz.com/lungcanceralliance/home/. And if you're up for it, I'd be happy to work with you and the LCA office to have you meet your Congressional members or staff - they work for us after all.
The full Senate bill (S.752) is available here: http://www.lungcanceralliance.org/get-involved/lung-cancer-advocacy/lung-cancer-mortality-reduction-act/senate-bill-s752.pdf. It's interesting to read and provides a lot more detail than I have.
I've talked for a while about advocacy and legislation and I hope your still reading :). The other big news since the last posting was the birth of my son, Ian Andrew Swan. What an amazing journey this has already been. Right after he was born Ann and I looked at each other in amazement, and I cried, for happiness in having him here, and sadness in not knowing this joy with Andy. I'm tearing up now writing this.
Andy was and will always be in some way, an amazing father to Nicholas. I feel his loss for Nicholas, I try to see him as often as I can. I wish Andy was here with me so I could tell him I finally get what he was trying to tell me when his son was born. I could see his love for Nicholas but couldn't fully comprehend the love for a child until Ian was born. I get it Andy.
I am also so proud of my family, the way that Jen and Nicholas and my parents have formed a new family unit; it's not easy of course but its great to see and be part of. Andy would be proud. And I am proud of my Dad, I love seeing him with Nicholas knowing that he raised Andy and I as our dad, and now, in the cruelest of fates, he is again serving as a father figure, to his own son's son, even as he fights his own battle with cancer.
Father's day brings mixed feelings for me. I love my family, my wife, son and step daughter, I love my role in the family we've formed, of seeing the joy that Ian brings to Maggie Ann and I. And yet I find as Father's day approaches that I am missing Andy and wishing Nicholas could have that time with Andy. I see Andy in Nicholas every time I am with him, its truly great seeing Nicholas interact with his little cousin who Nicholas told me "has the same middle name as me, after my Dad".
This father's day weekend, I am heading to Philadelphia to represent our family, and Andy, at a fundraiser that a college friend of Andy's is throwing in his memory. Sarah Evans-Brockett, who was on the Team Lung Love Marathon team last year with her husband Jeff, Andy's college roommate, is hosting The Silver Screen for Lung Cancer this Saturday night: http://thesilverscreenforlungcancer.weebly.com/index.html. This cocktail party and auction will benefit Team Lung Love and LCA; it also promises to be an awesome event, through all of the donated auction items that Sarah has garnered.
To all my Philly friends - if you're up for it, come out to Collegeville, I would love to see you. And if you can't make it but still want to help - buy a ticket online ($25) and I'll match your donations dollar for dollar.
Believe it or not... I have more to tell you about our experiences advocating on the Hill. But its late and I need to sleep, to be ready for the road trip to Philly tomorrow.
Stay safe and be well, and Happy Fathers day to all -
Tim
Once again, it's been awhile. I'll be writing more in the coming weeks to catch you up on what we've been up to these past few months and some things lined up for the next few.
Its always hard for me to sit down an put my thoughts to paper. I think of Andy, the sudden change in all of our lives that cancer caused, often - randomly. And then when I go to write them down, their gone - fleeting, and i have a feeling of emotional deja vu - I've processed this feeling but can't adequately describe it, almost like driving out of a heavy fog into a sun.
In April, I attended LCA's National Advocacy conference in Washington DC. It was truly amazing, to take passion for ending such a horrible disease and applying it to our legislative process. It was also amazing to meet others who get it, understand that driving out of a heavy fog into a blazing sun. Who have been where I am, or have just started the journey with Lung Cancer, either as a survivor, a caregiver, a professional, a family member. All ages, all colors, all religions - truly representative of the diversity in America, and representative of how indiscriminate lung cancer is.
130+ advocates from as far west as Hawaii and far east as NH (representing Andy!) gathered on a Sunday evening for three energetic, frenetic days. On Monday we learned more about Lung Cancer, about the the Lung Cancer Alliance (LCA), dug into recent advances in Lung Cancer, got to know the Lung Cancer Mortality Reduction Act (LCMRA) and received legislative and press training for meeting with members on Congress. On Tuesday, after a restless night, I joined my fellow advocates as we took to the Hill for a series of planned meetings and drop-ins with members of Congress. The group broke into geographical units; I was with the New England chapter, which split into Northern and Southern, as we had so many meetings. Tuesday night we reconvened with the full group, and discussed our days. Wednesday saw us visiting the LCA offices and then we all headed home.
So why were we there? To advocate for the LCMRA, by telling our stories - stories about Andy, about loved ones, about ourselves from survivors. To meet with Congressmen & Congresswomen, House Representatives, and their members of staff. To garner attention for the LCMRA, to request their support.
The LCMRA, is a bicameral bill, introduced by Republicans and Democrats in both Houses; it calls on the Health and Human Services (HHS), Veterans Administration (VA) and Department of Defense (DoD) to coordinate on the development of a comprehensive plan to reduce the mortality by 50% by 2020.
Lung cancer kills more than the next 4 cancers combined. Did you know that when Andy got sick? I didn't have a clue. And very little is being done about it. Its been 40+ years since Congress declared War on Cancer - and the survival rate has risen from 13% to 15%. 2% after billions in research - because very very little of it went to lung cancer.
The LCMRA effectively calls for a three pronged approach - prevention, detection and treatment. The focus to date has been on prevention - think of all of those anti-smoking campaigns we grew up with, and your natural inclination is associate lung cancer with smoking. No doubt, smoking causes cancer. But not all lung cancer is from smoking - smoking doesn't define Lung Cancer.
To date, there's been a single approach to Lung Cancer. Stop smoking, stop the disease. This stigma is wrong. First question I get about Andy, almost every time, is did he smoke?
No. But the more I think about it, does it matter? 80% of Lung Cancer patients either never smoked, or followed the single prong - stop smoking - and got cancer anyway. And even if the patient did smoke, do they deserve to be forgotten?
Do we apply the same stigma to any other disease? No. Closest approximation I can make, and other have to, is to the stigma associated to AIDS patients in the early 80's. Jennifer Windrum, of WTF? Where's the Funding for Lung Cancer, wrote this blog on Lance Armstrong's LiveStrong blog describing the stigma: http://blog.livestrong.org/2011/11/15/monster-cookies-stigma-kool-aid-the-deadliest-combo-of-all/
The LCMRA calls for detection through a low dose CT scan for the high risk population; people over 55 who have smoked an average of a pack a day for 30 years. The dose of the scan is less than half that women receive from a mammogram, and the observational NCI trial was halted early, as those who received the CT scan (vs. X-rays) had a 20% lower rate of mortality. Said differently, detect it earlier, and the patient has a much higher chance at survival. More information about the screening can be found here: http://screenforlungcancer.org/
Beyond the holes it leaves in all of us when a patient dies, it has a huge financial impact. Both in ongoing treatment, after the disease is discovered, and then in the loss of the productivity that the patient gave us through their work, their contributions to society.
Speaking of costs, an NCI study published in 2009 assigned the value of life lost to lung cancer to be in excess of $433,000,000,000 a year (!) by 2020, but that just a 4% decline in lung cancer mortality would reduce that amount by more than half.
We're worried about health care costs in the US, rightly so, and here's a way of cutting costs. How much would this screening plan cost? About $0.75 per person across all members of covered under health insurance; current health plans allocate about $3.25 to cover mammograms, and $1.50 to cover PSA tests.
The third prong is the treatment. Strides are being made, scientific discoveries are being made. The pace is slow, because the funding is so low. Its one of the lowest funded cancers in the national budget. And that's where progress is made - with national funding. Increase the research funding, save lives. Not rocket science.
The LCMRA needs more advocacy. We're in the second year of the 113th Congress, which is about to break to go to home districts in mid Summer, and as this this is an election year, we don't expect the Congress to be very busy when the new fiscal year begins 1 October, through the elections.
So what can you do? Contact your Representative, and Senators. It's easy - there's a form online to do this: http://capwiz.com/lungcanceralliance/home/. And if you're up for it, I'd be happy to work with you and the LCA office to have you meet your Congressional members or staff - they work for us after all.
The full Senate bill (S.752) is available here: http://www.lungcanceralliance.org/get-involved/lung-cancer-advocacy/lung-cancer-mortality-reduction-act/senate-bill-s752.pdf. It's interesting to read and provides a lot more detail than I have.
I've talked for a while about advocacy and legislation and I hope your still reading :). The other big news since the last posting was the birth of my son, Ian Andrew Swan. What an amazing journey this has already been. Right after he was born Ann and I looked at each other in amazement, and I cried, for happiness in having him here, and sadness in not knowing this joy with Andy. I'm tearing up now writing this.
Andy was and will always be in some way, an amazing father to Nicholas. I feel his loss for Nicholas, I try to see him as often as I can. I wish Andy was here with me so I could tell him I finally get what he was trying to tell me when his son was born. I could see his love for Nicholas but couldn't fully comprehend the love for a child until Ian was born. I get it Andy.
I am also so proud of my family, the way that Jen and Nicholas and my parents have formed a new family unit; it's not easy of course but its great to see and be part of. Andy would be proud. And I am proud of my Dad, I love seeing him with Nicholas knowing that he raised Andy and I as our dad, and now, in the cruelest of fates, he is again serving as a father figure, to his own son's son, even as he fights his own battle with cancer.
Father's day brings mixed feelings for me. I love my family, my wife, son and step daughter, I love my role in the family we've formed, of seeing the joy that Ian brings to Maggie Ann and I. And yet I find as Father's day approaches that I am missing Andy and wishing Nicholas could have that time with Andy. I see Andy in Nicholas every time I am with him, its truly great seeing Nicholas interact with his little cousin who Nicholas told me "has the same middle name as me, after my Dad".
This father's day weekend, I am heading to Philadelphia to represent our family, and Andy, at a fundraiser that a college friend of Andy's is throwing in his memory. Sarah Evans-Brockett, who was on the Team Lung Love Marathon team last year with her husband Jeff, Andy's college roommate, is hosting The Silver Screen for Lung Cancer this Saturday night: http://thesilverscreenforlungcancer.weebly.com/index.html. This cocktail party and auction will benefit Team Lung Love and LCA; it also promises to be an awesome event, through all of the donated auction items that Sarah has garnered.
To all my Philly friends - if you're up for it, come out to Collegeville, I would love to see you. And if you can't make it but still want to help - buy a ticket online ($25) and I'll match your donations dollar for dollar.
Believe it or not... I have more to tell you about our experiences advocating on the Hill. But its late and I need to sleep, to be ready for the road trip to Philly tomorrow.
Stay safe and be well, and Happy Fathers day to all -
Tim
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
One Year Later
Hi All,
Once again, it's been awhile. A year ago today Andy passed away, losing his fight to lung cancer. It feels like it was just yesterday and decades ago, all at the same time. A lot has changed in the past year and yet our family, our friends are still the same tight knit, loving group that we were a year ago.
Quite a few folks have checked in with me today, remembering Andy and invariably asking how I am. I am ok. Today was like any other day, get up, get ready, out the house, commute, work, home, chores and in a bit off to bed. Today we had a choice - to sit back and let the sadness of losing Andy dictate our day. Or to take it as any other day, maybe take a moment and have a beer in Andy's memory, think about the good times we had with him, the memories that he gave us. I took the second. And had a few beers with friends.
Time does heal the pain that I felt. It still catches me, Jen, Nicholas, Mom, Dad, Ann, and, I am sure, our friends every once in a while. When it catches up to me, it takes me by surprise, and I think about how I believe Andy would want us to keep on moving, keep living. It has helped and will always serve as the benchmark for what really matters, it trivializes those things in my life that before all this I would have let become big deals; now something which might have thrown me for a loop a few years ago is more manageable. When I am stuck, whether running hills or motivating through work, I think about Andy and how trivial my immediate issue is, and it makes it easier to keep moving.
His death, to me, will always be a big loss. I miss him, and always will. We have a baby coming in about four weeks, a son for Ann and I, and I know, I already tear up, not having him there to be a part of this new journey, this awesome gift to our family. I also know that some part of our son will be Andy, he and I being brothers I suspect that something will catch me and remind me of Andy as my brother, when we were younger and growing up. I hope he has Andy's wit, his creativity, his patience, his ability to drive off the tee...
I get these incredible thoughts randomly, a song, or a smell, or a conversation will trigger a memory of Andy, of the fight, of the end, of his life and friends. And then I file it away, or maybe tell a close family member about it, and let it go. As Nicholas grows, I hope that I can remember them to tell him about his dad.
Nicholas is an awesome little boy. Of course he misses Andy, and asks us about him, or just states that he misses Dad. We just celebrated his fifth birthday, and he is doing well. It does make me sad to think about him not having Andy there with him as he grows up; my Dad has stepped into his life as a strong, male, father figure and that, I know, makes Andy proud; we visit him, and Jen, and my parents as often as we can. He's gotten feisty, he likes wrangling with you, has an incredible amount of energy and like all little boys makes an incredible amount of noise; as much energy as he has and requires from my parents, I think he keeps them young. He's into legos, especially the Cars series of kits and love Star Wars - 35+ years after Andy and I were in that stage (although back then there were no Cars kits, we were into the Space and Castle kits) it makes me smile to see Nicholas enjoying the same things we did.
Today I awoke to the version of U2's "Bad/ 40/ Where the Streets Have no Name", recorded live in Boston Garden in 2001, and broadcast during the NBA All Star game half time that year. It's always had a special place for me and Andy - he was in LA, I was in Philly at the time, and I remember seeing it on TV, cutting live to Boston, to Where the Streets Have no Name, and talking to Andy about it. The song is about the end of apartheid, a dream of finding a place where your address doesn't dictate your station and opportunities in life, but for me it reminds me of Andy, and my thoughts about him being in South Africa with Jen and her family. When I hear it now it makes me hope that he is in a place where there is no pain and he is free.
Finally, thank you to Julia for bringing this video to my attention, it's really powerful in the images it provokes, and for me, the memories of last year: http://vimeo.com/34046413. The words at the introduction are particularly poignant, especially as I consider the life that Andy ran. The end of the short talks about who you ran your life with and who was with you at the end of the finish line. I am especially grateful to all of you who were with me last year, who sponsored me in the Swim Across America Boston Harbor Islands Swim, and Team Andy in the Marine Corps Marathon. All told, we had over 140 folks sponsor the 7 of us in Team Andy, to the tune of $10,736 total; in the SAA BHIS, 69 people sponsored me for a total of $6,005. That's incredible, and I believe that good will come of, through support for Lung Cancer patients and their families, advocacy for more government funded LC research, and the treatment of cancer survivors.
I will be participating in these events again this year, and would love to have any of you who are interested join me - there are different avenues to these things as well, maybe you're not interested in swimming in Boston Harbor, or run/walking a marathon, so if that's the case and you want to do something, please reach out to me, as I am sure that we can find some alternatives. Every bit helps in the fight against cancer.
I hope you can all remember Andy today, something good and pure, and that it makes you smile. I miss you brother.
Tim
Once again, it's been awhile. A year ago today Andy passed away, losing his fight to lung cancer. It feels like it was just yesterday and decades ago, all at the same time. A lot has changed in the past year and yet our family, our friends are still the same tight knit, loving group that we were a year ago.
Quite a few folks have checked in with me today, remembering Andy and invariably asking how I am. I am ok. Today was like any other day, get up, get ready, out the house, commute, work, home, chores and in a bit off to bed. Today we had a choice - to sit back and let the sadness of losing Andy dictate our day. Or to take it as any other day, maybe take a moment and have a beer in Andy's memory, think about the good times we had with him, the memories that he gave us. I took the second. And had a few beers with friends.
Time does heal the pain that I felt. It still catches me, Jen, Nicholas, Mom, Dad, Ann, and, I am sure, our friends every once in a while. When it catches up to me, it takes me by surprise, and I think about how I believe Andy would want us to keep on moving, keep living. It has helped and will always serve as the benchmark for what really matters, it trivializes those things in my life that before all this I would have let become big deals; now something which might have thrown me for a loop a few years ago is more manageable. When I am stuck, whether running hills or motivating through work, I think about Andy and how trivial my immediate issue is, and it makes it easier to keep moving.
His death, to me, will always be a big loss. I miss him, and always will. We have a baby coming in about four weeks, a son for Ann and I, and I know, I already tear up, not having him there to be a part of this new journey, this awesome gift to our family. I also know that some part of our son will be Andy, he and I being brothers I suspect that something will catch me and remind me of Andy as my brother, when we were younger and growing up. I hope he has Andy's wit, his creativity, his patience, his ability to drive off the tee...
I get these incredible thoughts randomly, a song, or a smell, or a conversation will trigger a memory of Andy, of the fight, of the end, of his life and friends. And then I file it away, or maybe tell a close family member about it, and let it go. As Nicholas grows, I hope that I can remember them to tell him about his dad.
Nicholas is an awesome little boy. Of course he misses Andy, and asks us about him, or just states that he misses Dad. We just celebrated his fifth birthday, and he is doing well. It does make me sad to think about him not having Andy there with him as he grows up; my Dad has stepped into his life as a strong, male, father figure and that, I know, makes Andy proud; we visit him, and Jen, and my parents as often as we can. He's gotten feisty, he likes wrangling with you, has an incredible amount of energy and like all little boys makes an incredible amount of noise; as much energy as he has and requires from my parents, I think he keeps them young. He's into legos, especially the Cars series of kits and love Star Wars - 35+ years after Andy and I were in that stage (although back then there were no Cars kits, we were into the Space and Castle kits) it makes me smile to see Nicholas enjoying the same things we did.
Today I awoke to the version of U2's "Bad/ 40/ Where the Streets Have no Name", recorded live in Boston Garden in 2001, and broadcast during the NBA All Star game half time that year. It's always had a special place for me and Andy - he was in LA, I was in Philly at the time, and I remember seeing it on TV, cutting live to Boston, to Where the Streets Have no Name, and talking to Andy about it. The song is about the end of apartheid, a dream of finding a place where your address doesn't dictate your station and opportunities in life, but for me it reminds me of Andy, and my thoughts about him being in South Africa with Jen and her family. When I hear it now it makes me hope that he is in a place where there is no pain and he is free.
Finally, thank you to Julia for bringing this video to my attention, it's really powerful in the images it provokes, and for me, the memories of last year: http://vimeo.com/34046413. The words at the introduction are particularly poignant, especially as I consider the life that Andy ran. The end of the short talks about who you ran your life with and who was with you at the end of the finish line. I am especially grateful to all of you who were with me last year, who sponsored me in the Swim Across America Boston Harbor Islands Swim, and Team Andy in the Marine Corps Marathon. All told, we had over 140 folks sponsor the 7 of us in Team Andy, to the tune of $10,736 total; in the SAA BHIS, 69 people sponsored me for a total of $6,005. That's incredible, and I believe that good will come of, through support for Lung Cancer patients and their families, advocacy for more government funded LC research, and the treatment of cancer survivors.
I will be participating in these events again this year, and would love to have any of you who are interested join me - there are different avenues to these things as well, maybe you're not interested in swimming in Boston Harbor, or run/walking a marathon, so if that's the case and you want to do something, please reach out to me, as I am sure that we can find some alternatives. Every bit helps in the fight against cancer.
I hope you can all remember Andy today, something good and pure, and that it makes you smile. I miss you brother.
Tim
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
Hi all,
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope today finds everyone well, with family and loved ones, having some time down.
November has flown by, its been a big month for us as we think about Andy. I'll write more in the coming weeks, and will be posting some stories and thoughts from friends and family. In the meantime, here's a teaser about future posts...
The seven of us ran / walked the Marine Corps Marathon the last weekend in October, as part of a thirty-seven member Team Lung Love. All told Team Andy raised over $10,700; Team Lung Love DC raised over $47,000 for the Lung Cancer Alliance. A giant THANK YOU to all those who sponsored us; I'll post a blog about the event, compiled from all of us, with more details. Suffice to say it was an emotional, physical day, one that was important to all of us, for honoring Andy and his fight. So much good came of it - thank you to Sara and Jim, Sarah and Jeff, Jen and Ann, for doing this with me - I love you all and am thankful for having had this experience with you.
The start of November was Andy's birthday. It was pretty low key, a tough day for us all; while we didn't do anything explicitly, we all felt the day in different ways.
November is also National Lung Cancer Awareness month. It's given us further pause to think about Andy, how this has impacted all of us, and further strengthened our drive to continue the fight in his honor.
Alright, off to get ready to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and wife's family. Thank you for being an integral part of Andy's like, and our lives as well.
Tim
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
"Team Andy" at the Marine Corps Marathon
Hi all,
Once again, its been some time since I last blogged. I know that it gets better with time, and I trust that it will, but to be honest it is very hard for me to sit down and write since Andy passed away. I don't know if its due to some sort of guilt, or denial, lack of acceptance but I find the time moving by, thinking about putting out another update, but not doing so.
I have a ton to write, I could post the letters I compose to Andy when stuck in traffic, during a quiet moment at night, laying awake thinking about life, missing him, but I am not sure that this is the right forum for them. Maybe I'll sit down and put them together for myself, to give Nicholas when he's older.
So the big news is that at the end of this week, "Team Andy" will participate in the running / walking of the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC as a fundraising effort for the Lung Cancer Alliance. We're doing this in honor of the fight Andy showed us and in memory of a brother, husband, cousin, father, friend and coworker. Six words that don't begin to describe Andy, and the relationships we had with him.
Our cousin Sara contacted me this spring, asking if there was anything she could do in terms of running as a fundraiser. At the time, I was training for the summer swim that benefits Dana Farber. I told Sara I would look around, but not participate given the time required to train for the swim and the fact that I am not a runner. We found "Team Lung Love" running in the Marine Corps Marathon. Sara signed up to run it, and a few days later Jen and Ann were looking online, and read that you could walk the marathon route as well... so next thing you know, we joined, as did Sara's husband Jim. A few days later, Andy's college roommate Jeff and friend Sarah signed up as well. And so "Team Andy" was registered. We've committed to raising a minimum of $7,000 as a team and are hoping to raise over $10,000. We are also hoping this can raise awareness about Lung Cancer.
The fine print that we neglected is that the course is only open for 7 hours... and by the time the runners start, it works out to about 6:15 for walkers - that's a 14 min/mile pace, or 4.3 mph. That's pretty fast for walking. Our training this summer has morphed into a modified run/walk, as there are some challenges along the course; you must "Beat the Bridge" or be forced to ride the bus.
So why are we doing this? There are plenty of ways to honor Andy, but we felt that raising funds for the Lung Cancer Alliance was very worthy of our efforts and your help. LCA is "the only national non-profit organization dedicated solely to patient support and advocacy for people living with lung cancer and those at risk for the disease." I reached out to them when Andy was diagnosed, I used their materials. Lung Cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in the United States, with a 5 year survival rate of 15%, and is also the lowest Federally funded in terms of research. LCA is advocating for increased funding for Lung Cancer Research for detection and treatment.
So how can you help? By spreading the word about Andy's life, pointing folks to the blog to tell his story, and by supporting our team. Every bit counts. Donations can be made online at Jen's fundraising page: http://bit.ly/tDjZX5.
Jen is very passionate about this cause, and has pledged $1,000 of her own money to match the first $1,000 in donations made. An anonymous donor has also pledged another $500 to Team Andy to match an additional $500 in donations made by the race this Sunday. So if we can get to $1,500 donations, it will be doubled, bringing us $3,000 closer to our goal and providing much needed funding for lung cancer.
Thank you in advance for your contributions, for your good wishes and for your support. It is my hope that we will beat this disease, so someday no other family will have to go through this.
Tim
Once again, its been some time since I last blogged. I know that it gets better with time, and I trust that it will, but to be honest it is very hard for me to sit down and write since Andy passed away. I don't know if its due to some sort of guilt, or denial, lack of acceptance but I find the time moving by, thinking about putting out another update, but not doing so.
I have a ton to write, I could post the letters I compose to Andy when stuck in traffic, during a quiet moment at night, laying awake thinking about life, missing him, but I am not sure that this is the right forum for them. Maybe I'll sit down and put them together for myself, to give Nicholas when he's older.
So the big news is that at the end of this week, "Team Andy" will participate in the running / walking of the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC as a fundraising effort for the Lung Cancer Alliance. We're doing this in honor of the fight Andy showed us and in memory of a brother, husband, cousin, father, friend and coworker. Six words that don't begin to describe Andy, and the relationships we had with him.
Our cousin Sara contacted me this spring, asking if there was anything she could do in terms of running as a fundraiser. At the time, I was training for the summer swim that benefits Dana Farber. I told Sara I would look around, but not participate given the time required to train for the swim and the fact that I am not a runner. We found "Team Lung Love" running in the Marine Corps Marathon. Sara signed up to run it, and a few days later Jen and Ann were looking online, and read that you could walk the marathon route as well... so next thing you know, we joined, as did Sara's husband Jim. A few days later, Andy's college roommate Jeff and friend Sarah signed up as well. And so "Team Andy" was registered. We've committed to raising a minimum of $7,000 as a team and are hoping to raise over $10,000. We are also hoping this can raise awareness about Lung Cancer.
The fine print that we neglected is that the course is only open for 7 hours... and by the time the runners start, it works out to about 6:15 for walkers - that's a 14 min/mile pace, or 4.3 mph. That's pretty fast for walking. Our training this summer has morphed into a modified run/walk, as there are some challenges along the course; you must "Beat the Bridge" or be forced to ride the bus.
So why are we doing this? There are plenty of ways to honor Andy, but we felt that raising funds for the Lung Cancer Alliance was very worthy of our efforts and your help. LCA is "the only national non-profit organization dedicated solely to patient support and advocacy for people living with lung cancer and those at risk for the disease." I reached out to them when Andy was diagnosed, I used their materials. Lung Cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in the United States, with a 5 year survival rate of 15%, and is also the lowest Federally funded in terms of research. LCA is advocating for increased funding for Lung Cancer Research for detection and treatment.
So how can you help? By spreading the word about Andy's life, pointing folks to the blog to tell his story, and by supporting our team. Every bit counts. Donations can be made online at Jen's fundraising page: http://bit.ly/tDjZX5.
Jen is very passionate about this cause, and has pledged $1,000 of her own money to match the first $1,000 in donations made. An anonymous donor has also pledged another $500 to Team Andy to match an additional $500 in donations made by the race this Sunday. So if we can get to $1,500 donations, it will be doubled, bringing us $3,000 closer to our goal and providing much needed funding for lung cancer.
Thank you in advance for your contributions, for your good wishes and for your support. It is my hope that we will beat this disease, so someday no other family will have to go through this.
Tim
Thursday, June 9, 2011
120 days
I realized today that it’s been 120 days since you left us, slipped away from the pain, to be free. Can’t say as I really know how I feel, can’t adequately describe my feelings, it’s all still so raw, so unimaginable. It catches me at times, takes my breath away and it takes all I have to keep the tears that well up from falling, I take a deep breath and try to smile, try to remember your face, your voice.
It's been awhile. I find it hard to have the energy to write these past few months. I have tons of thoughts, my mind races at night sometimes, and as with the past year, at times I am visited by the most vivid memories that you and I shared together, almost like the emotion and energy of all of this has awakened some part of our collective memory. And then I think, I should write that down, blog about it; but those memories, both great and horrible, from your fight are just between you and I, and I cannot share, do not want to share them; the really bad times that you had are mine to manage alone.
It’s not all bad; as hard as it is, we all move on. At times I feel guilty about it. It’s not fair that you’re not with us. There's a sadness that you’re not physically with us, but you’d want us to keep moving.
It’ll never be right. We move on because we are human and our will to live pushes us on, and really, who wants to be stuck, trapped by the pain? But it’ll never be right. It’s been the hardest lesson I could ever learn.
It’s taken me a long time to update the blog. Not being able to send a hopeful, “we will fight to the end” type of update is further acknowledgment that it’s real, that you died from lung cancer. Typing that leaves me sobbing.
So what have we been up to? With the exception of the quick one line update about the CM episode, it’s been 3+ months. First off, again a giant THANK YOU to all those who have reached out to us in so many ways. To everyone who has made donations to Jen and Nicholas, to Nicholas’ college fund, reached out to check in with and on us. I shouldn’t be amazed anymore by the outpouring but I continue to be humbled. Thank you.
Jen, Nicholas, Mom and Dad, Ann, Maggie and I headed to Florida in late February, a trip we had initially planned last Fall with you. That was tough, we all had our moments, and the stress of the fight, of the release tired us all. I remember realizing at the end of our day at Disney World that I had cried and seen everyone else in the family cry that day. It was good for the family, for the kids, for all of us to get away. Tough to come home to reality.
The Red Sox honored your fight, opening weekend at Fenway. Mark coordinated with the Sox ownership to have a message placed on the new screens during the fifth, we sat in the Monster seats, Larry Lucchino, a Sox owner and fellow (two-time, NHL & Prostate) cancer patient came up and stood with us when the message was displayed. So hard to see it, further acknowledgment, hard to see Dad tearing up. For the record, the Sox beat the Yankees that night.
The Framingham Boy Scout Troop 12 held their annual pancake breakfast, and dedicated it in memory to you. Jen, Nicholas, Mom and Dad and I attended, and met up with some of the guys from our days. It was good to catch up, to see old pictures of you when we were all young, hiking and camping.Jamie ran the Boston Marathon in April in memory of you. Eric and I met her at mile 13; Mom, Jen and Nicholas met her at the finish and she gave her jersey to Nicholas. It was amazing to see her running, she raised over $12,000 for Dana Farber. A very emotional day as well.
The season finale of Criminal Minds honored you by having a character (“Andi Swan”) named after you. It was a nice touch.
Dawn, David, and Jenna came out to visit in early May… which happened to coincide with Jen getting her citizenship. Dorian flew in as well to surprise her; another great day, Dad draped your American flag over her shoulders at the end, he and Mom were so proud of her. We celebrated after with Jamie and Erin and the kids. You would’ve been proud of Jen, I know I am, she is such a rock and is doing a great job taking care of Nicholas.
I got married a few weeks ago. A tremendous day, lots of fun, so much emotion – I wish you had been there physically, I remember asking you to be my best man in January, the large smile you gave me when we talked about it, the two of us alone in that hospital room, naïve to how sick you were, never suspecting that this was it. I know you were there with me, your love surrounded us. Nicholas looked incredible in his little suit, dancing the night away with Maggie in her pink dress. Dorian stood in as the best man, looked great in a matching suit, both of us just trying to keep it together. Chrissy stood as Ann’s Matron of Honor. You were everywhere there with us. Jen read in the ceremony; you would’ve been proud of all of us, especially Nicholas and Maggie, dancing away. Friends and family came in from all over to celebrate with us.
We were up at the lake a few weekends ago, helping Mom and Dad open it up for rentals. First time since last Fall with you. Also hard for me emotionally, I had to run to clear my head a few times, that air does wonders. We had fun of course, but as it will always be, there was a muted sadness, a remembrance that you were missing.
We are moving on, life keeps rolling, and we’re doing things in memory of and in honor of you.
I've tried to keep myself busy, physically active while preparing for the Swim Across America 2011 Boston Harbor Islands Swim. When I get tired, when my shoulder aches, I call out to you, I remember how hard you fought, giving us that extra time with you, fighting to beat it back. I think about the care you received at Dana Farber, about seeing you waiting for me at the end of the swim last year, about being interviewed by Fox, talking to the guys from the D&C show on WEEI for the Jimmy Fund Radio Telethon at Fenway last August. Five more weeks until the swim, this year will be very different for me, without you there. I am actively seeking donations now, if you would like to sponsor me in memory of Andy.
Did I mention that we have a Team for you know? Team Andy is taking on the Marine Corps Marathon in October; Jen and Ann signed us up. Jeff Brocket and Sara (Swan) Rossini are running; Ann, Jen, Jim Rossini, Sara (Evans) Brockett and I are walking it. We've pledged to raise $5000 as a team to sponsor the advocacy and patient services that Lung Cancer Alliance provides; the links highlighted above can be used to donate to this cause. I'll be posting more about this as the summer progresses.
Yesterday I sat on a team call for the marathon during lunch. Once again, I was reminded that this is a viscous disease that doesn't care if you are a smoker or not, that it strikes all walks of life, all ages, and is indiscriminate. Everyone has a story, we all do now, each one of us reading this has your story to tell, to call attention lung cancer, to remember you for all you were and brought us.
I love you Andy. I miss you.
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